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I have been sick with some sort of yucky(eloquent i know) virus for over a week now. I am currently watching The Bachelorette & catching up on all the shows I've recorded with my DVR. I have been spending more time in chat and having a great time! I have some really funny, intelligent, creative & quick witted friends. I have still been spending alot of time crying over Mom & I still don't know if it's P.M.S or the impending anniversary. I just can't stop missing her. She was so loving and affectionate and sometimes the only one who truly understood me. I'm not suffering from euphoric recall or dillusional about her "other" side. Her other side haunts me a LOT...that is the side of her in me that I fight to remove from my soul. I don't want to BE like her, nor do i want to END up like her. It is quite a contrary thing. I'm too tired and fluish to try and figure it out. Well, quality not quantity!!! I'm going back to the boob tube.
Until next time...

posted by Fraidophil 6:12 PM

Happy New Year!!!!!!!

Well, here I find myself at the beginning of yet ANOTHER year. I called my brother today and purposely did not initiate the conversation with the socially expected "happy new year" and did not mention it until he said it first. The whole reason i didn't bother to bring it up was that my thought process prior to calling him was this...what if it's NOT a happy new year...i don't have a crystal ball...what if it is really destined to be a totally sucky year, i mean isn't that setting someone up for dissappointment? Perhaps half way through his year he thinks to himself(or outloud if he is anything like me) Hey! Sis predicted on the 1st that it would be a happy new year and it's SO not! Anyway, i didn't call anyone this year to specifically wish them a HNY because it just felt...ummmm...ludacris. I was talking with a chickie to day and she asked me to update my blog...so here i am...i always feel weird typing the contents of my head. The holidays were wonderful! Cupcakey was here for a week & my Honeyman has been here since 12/24!!! He will be returning to Abalama(purposeful typo) on the 3rd :(. I won't see him again until the 20th which is perfect timing for the impending 2 year anniversary of Mom's suicide. I miss her so incredibly much. There are no words to describe this feeling of lack. Well, i ate too much luck(Cabbage w/bacon & black-eyed peas) and i feel like hurling and my heiney is ummmm...well, let's just say i've spent a LOT of time in the library this evening and i need to get off my tushy! I will try to remember to right more soon...maybe someone will call and give me friendly little reminders!!! Bye for now!!!

posted by Fraidophil 9:22 PM

Pierced Princess!! 
posted by Fraidophil 5:02 PM

...grieving. Wow, what a feeling to wake up one day and realize that you've just basically slept through an entire year!!! I can't believe it's been over a year since mom decided that one darvocet would help the pain...but FIFTY...now fifty would REALLY make it ALL go away. I don't know when exactly i started waking up...but i do know that i'm grateful as hell that i did! And know that i've found my blog again...i'll be sure to finish this thought...but right now i feel like smokin' so i'm gonna crochet.
posted by Fraidophil 1:12 AM

Well, it's been way to long since i journaled...lots has happened since the last time i was here...Christmas was wonderful...Sam got to come for a week...we spent it at Mom's...it was nice to have him hear and to have xmas with the family. Mom wasn't even psycho...lol which is totally out of character for her! New Years Eve. we spent at Sissys' house and that was a blast...i have been wanting to hang with her and her friends for years! Sam left the next a.m. and that was sad for me. While he was here Mom took a lot of wonderful pictures of all of the grandkids. So then the unthinkable happened...on Jan. 20th Asshole called our house and told Mark that he had called the ambulance and that he thought Mom was having a stroke...Mark called me at Sissys( i had my hair in a cap...Stud was getting ready to highlight it for me) so i ripped the cap off and called Sis on her cell and gave her the 411...then i raced over to Mom's...she was lying there in here on vomit and she was growling...i climbed in it and hugged her and called to her to come back...she o.d'd on 50 darvocet...i knew the minute i saw her. The E.M.T's took her to the hospital...Sis, Asshole & I followed in Sis' car. At one point during the wee hours she was lucid...she kept complaining that her chest hurt and that she couldn't breathe...she also was thirsty and she wanted a coke. She had aspirated on her vomit and had pneumonia...so we told her that rather than bring up her o.d...i gave her water on a washcloth and she drank that way. Sis and i asked her if she wanted us to stay or if she wanted to rest...she said she wanted to rest...so we left...hindsight being 20/20 we would've stayed. She died at 5:36 p.m. on the 21st. There were 2 of my sis' friends in the room with us, it was the most horrible moment of my life. Now i know why they scream "no, no, no" in the movies when someone dies...you think if you say it enough times then it won't be true. Sis and i did her make-up and hair...it was very cathartic...the worst moment was when they closed the lid to her casket. I will never be the same...but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. Princess Hands and Sam came out for the funeral. Princess Hands was a Godsend to me...she cooked, cleaned and took care of my family. Thank you so much my precious friend for that...i couldn't have made it through that without you. I love you so much and i appreciate you more than mere words can say! So anyway, here we are almost 2 months later and i have been in the psych ward and been put on some fabulous meds...they are truly helping to level me out...in some ways it makes me sad because i feel it has taken me further away from mom...on the other hand...they are making it possible for me to survive this heinous situation. So now u are updated and i must sign off...tomorrow's another day....tdg
posted by Fraidophil 3:36 AM

Indeed tomorrow was another day...not as bad as the other but not as good as possible. I received several calls from my family in Cincinnati today...they must have sensed that i needed it...i had a really long talk with My Sharona and we hadn't done that in years! She is going to school to be a medical transcriptionist and she told me today that she got a 99 on her mid-term!!!!!!!!!!! WoooooHooooo! I am so proud! She is thinking about possibly going on from there to do something in forensics which i personally think is a fantastic idea as i have a passion for that sort of thing...well, if Quincy, C.S.I, Autopsy and Medical Detectives counts! Luminol is my personal favorite...i am amazed at the things they can tell just from a teensy tiny bit of evidence...and even more the fact that most people wouldn't even think some of the things are clues! I am very proud of my sisters...they are doing such wonderful and inspiring things! So tonight Jakey Cupcakey started coughing and gagging...that turned into projectile vomiting and writhing in pain fetal and holding his tummy...so my sis the nurse suggested calling the doc on call and we did and he said to take Sweetie Pie to the e.r. in case it was something as serious as appendicitis...let me clarify that the doc did not actually refer to my precious son as Sweetie Pie...*snicker* *snort*...so we took him to the e.r....we had a bit of a wait...first of all because it's the law of the e.r. to wait, secondly, because there was a poor little child there that was choking and had asperated and got fluid in his lungs and couldn't stop coughing...so we waited...the doc was wonderful...he was really gentle and real and when jake said he had to go poop the doc said "don't flush it i want to take a look at it" i said..."you're weird" then he said "i know" and we both giggled...i love this town! I like it that u can joke about something like that rather than acting like it isn't funny...i mean part of his job is analyzing shit (literally) how freakin' funny is that? i know!!! Very!!! Anyway, he gave me a suppository to give to jakey and we will take him to the family doctor tomorrow...i hope he's as nice and real. Jakey is sleeping thanks to the phenergan. i met this girl online not too long ago while a was playing a game called "Pyramids" it's in yahoo games under Funtime and it is truly a "fun time" and very addictive i might add...anyway, you play other ppl and in tournaments and it's totally fun...so i meet this chick there and she tells me that she has cancer and is undergoing chemo...at one point in the game she missed a card and said..."sorry, chemo brain"...if i ever get cancer or some such illness i hope that i am that funny...i mean, i see myself being that funny, but i truly hope i will be...i wouldn't want ppl to want me to be all serious...that's just not me...and i wouldn't want those around me being all serious...i would like to think that i would change my screen name from fraidophil to chemogal or chick or some such thing. I told her that i loved and appreciated her sense of humor...and i think that it will truly help ease this "sitiation" for her. This past sunday i had someone o.d. on me while i was online with them im'ing...it was really scary. She didn't end up dying and i ended up having her physically call me on the phone so that i could hear her voice. She was raped the night before and was too scared to call the police and from what she told me...i'm the only one who knows...she has 2 boys 9 and 11 and an ex-husband who has leukemia...i hope she doesn't die...i shared my experience with her and i hope that helped but chances are pretty good that she's just gonna have to follow the path where it leads on her own...i received what i perceived to be a suicide note from her yesterday...i kinda feel bad because i have not written back...i haven't recv'd any more emails nor have i seen her online...like i said...i hope she doesn't die. I've never figured out why some die and others don't...i tried and i lived...a few people in my life tried...and died...i don't get it?
I am currently having a wonderful time reading the "works in progress" for the na nu na nu project...i'm hooked...i can't stop reading...well, actually i can because they can't write as fast as i can read...lol...but i'm so loving the saga aspect...Princess Hands actually had the audacity to send me a hot off the press issue and when i reached the end the last sentence(if you could call it that) said "So,"...i'm not kidding you!!!! Can u believe it! Well it worked...i am beside myself with excitement waiting for the next installment! It makes me want to write...so i'm blogging...lol...not as many words but so far i am writing daily which is a pretty big thing for me...it's like my reward at the end of day...to sit here and purge my mime...
I can't wait until i learn how to do all the cool things like title each blog and such funities...i'm having fun making up new words as well...throwing them against the wall like a proverbial piece of spaghetti and seeing what sticks!
Okay, although i would love to sit here all night and babble...i am trying to get to bed earlier...the past 2 nights in a row it's been 5 a.m. it's now 1:50 a.m. and if i'm not careful i'll pass that point of no return and be at 5 again...
Tomorrow's another day...

posted by Fraidophil 11:51 PM

Here we are again...another shitty day...why was it shitty? well, because i chose to look at it that way...
Actually, i had plenty to eat, a roof over my head, the love of my family, i'm literate and my mom washed my hair and gave me a scalp massage...so, i guess it wasn't a "shitty" day after all. I am choosing, however, to feel shitty...i am currently stuck in a p.m.s imposed guilt trip about Sam and being here...i know how powerful my mind is...i almost typed mime...that would have totally changed the context of this sentence...i know how powerful my mime is? hmmm...anyway, i'll beware of my mime and tell u about the power of my mind...i think therefore i am...wish i had come up with that juicy tidbit! The best i have come up with are...friends don't let friends talk drunk...never try talking while vomitting...it's not what you're eating it's whose not eating you...to name a few...i am a genius! Anyway, i digress...and digress...so back to my powerful mind...it's trying to kill me...i don't know why....evidently it is protecting a thing or two that it wishes me not to know...for fear of...what? i don't freakin' know...i think i have discovered everything there is to know about me and >BAM< i fall into this heinous abyss called depression and i bloody my fingernails trying to pull myself out...i grab at every known resource and still...my mind has remembered my past survival techniques and learned to bypass them...i am currently calling out from that abyss...in case it wasn't obvious already...lol...i laugh in the face of pain...i laugh in the face of everything i don't understand...i currently do not understand why i can't think my way out of compulsive thinking...u thinkers know what i mean(i picture millions of thinkers reading this...delusions of grandeur...i think not!) So, i'm trapped in my mind where no one can save me and no one can protect me...i was crying to my hubby Sparky tonight...and i just kept saying over and over...no one can protect me...and he said "from who?" and i said...from the world...from me...and at one point i told him that i was dying...seriously and he was talking about how the government is screwing the working poor...now i do agree with that...we are on unemployment and barely making it...yet, making too much for us to get medical cards so that counselling can happen to make us more capable of function...but i just told him i was dying for Gods sake! It is true that i am prone to a bit of drama...but on a more serious note...that's how i feel...i feel like that light in me...that energy is slowly dimming...now, i have felt this way on more than one occasion...still, it is not helping to comfort me now...in the way that i know i'm NOT actually dying...i'm just severly depressed...now i feel the need to clarify that i am NOT suicidal...i have been down that road and at this point my opinion on the subject is this...i have worked too damn hard to get where i am today...i wanna see how this shit ends...! Have u ever felt that pressure inside u...i'll try to describe it... actually i'll just share what i'm going through...on dec. 2nd i have to go to court...if by dec. 2nd i do not have a job and have not been paying child support for a child that was tricked out of my custody (a story for another time) then i will immediately be transported to the "just us" center for a 30 day stay at the gray bar motel...now i know this...i know there's no way around it...i chose to represent myself...but i can't get past the fear, depression and anxiety to go get a job.....no one can protect me...i need help from a counsellor but cannot afford it...if i divorced my husband...i could get help...how fucked up is that...i can't remember if there is a language rule in here...lol...forgive my use of the fuck word...anyway, i feel like i'm drowning and i have the life preserver...but i can't find it and only i know where it is...i despise this feeling...i cannot stand feeling powerless...there is a new commercial out for bi-polar stuff and it talks about how the doc. only sees the patient when they are depressed...thus puts them on an anti-depressant...and ignores the mania...well, when i go i have this automatic thing within me that makes me behave in an okay i'm all together kinda way...i have therapy savvy...i know the drill...i want help yet i don't want to lose control of my life...i don't want others to discredit me by saying...well, u just think that because you're sick, you're only saying that because you're sick, you only feel that way because you're sick and the worst..."did u take your meds today?". i know that what i feel is only a false sense of control that is totally destroying me...but we only know what we know and THAT'S all i know...like my sister Princess Hands i too love and adore words...i want to eat them...savor them on my tongue...mmmmm...but i cannot, for the life of me, verbally convey what i'm feeling...i have a block...must be that som' bitch mime of mine!!! No one can protect me...although if my mime is so freakin' strong why isn't "it" protecting me? On that note i think i shall climb into my swing with Cody and rock my self to sleep...tomorrow's another day...

posted by Fraidophil 12:44 AM

i have been waiting all day to get online and write and now that i'm here my mind is a complete blank...not really it's so full of thoughts i feel like my head is going to explode, but i can't seem to wrap my mind around any one thought...i am overstressed! I think that happens when i stuff and stuff and stuff the shit down and then it tries to come boiling out and my defense mechanisms or going into overload trying to keep them at bay. Okay, i'm going to take a moment to take some deep cleansing breaths...lol...i miss my Sam so much...i can't stand it! I want to call him but i know i'll cry and that will just make him feel bad...but then i feel like a bad Mom for NOT calling...this guilt stuff has GOT to stop...i am driving myself insane with it...now i am regretting moving here...not because i don't like it here but because i am 800 miles away from my son...what kind of mother leaves her son? what kind of mother can't get her shit together for the sake of her child? why the hell am i doing this to myself? that's why i watch so much t.v. Princess Hands...so i don't have to think...the worst thing that happens to me is when i can't read or watch t.v. because the noise in my head is soooooooo freakin' loud! My fan is making this annoying clicking sound and that is totally driving me up a wall...what the heck does that mean? i'm not actually behind the wheel...nor am i up a wall...some of these figures of speech are becoming frustrating to me...i have to analyze them whereas before i could use them with impunity and without question. I am so babbling...well, so what...this is my world i can babble if i want to...la la la...i love my house...i don't want to regret my house...i don't want to regret anything...i want to live my life on my terms....unfortunately "their" terms invade my thinking...i am trying to push those thoughts from "them" out of my mind...what the heck do "they" know anyway! I think i'm going to go try and watch some mindless drivel or read and let the voices in my head settle down a bit...writing when i feel this way can sometimes make me feel worse...thisis one of those times! So for now i will sign off...
posted by Fraidophil 9:56 PM

Okay, here is my first "blog"...a few of my girlfriends are very happy blogging...one of whom is my very best friend so i thought that perhaps "blogging" would help me too! Right now i am not in a very good place...i mean i've been worse...but that doesn't seem to matter when i'm in the "blues" now! I am feeling sad and heartbroken...i miss Sam...i know that i made the right choice to move here but i so wish things had been different..."in a perfect world" *gag* *gag* he would be here with us...but he isn't so i'm just going to have to get off my tuckus and get a job and do all the things i promised to do to justify this move. I feel like i'm walking in quicksand everytime i think about getting a job...but then i feel like such a loser for not...i did apply for a job as a 911 operator and i am really hoping it goes through...the reality though is that if it doesn't, and it might not, i have to have a back up plan...even if it means working at a fast food joint! Oh geez, all this talk about what i'm not doing isn't making me feel much better. I am so sick of being sick...and i'm so tired of being tired. I started taking a product with glucosamine in it which Princess Hands had recommended to me a while ago and it has really started to help...now i feel like a junkie as i only have 2 left and i take 3 a day and really believe it works therefore, i really need it to feel better. Well, it is late, not that the hour of day means anything to me, but i think i should go to bed. Maybe i'll read my new Dean Kunz book and fall asleep...then again...maybe not...well, "tomorrow's another day"...i hope...LOL.
posted by Fraidophil 12:35 AM

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